thirty.

In just a little over a month I will be turning thirty. yep, the big 3-0

for awhile I was looking forward to it.

the 20's were... hard.  I was ready to enter into a new stage of awareness, maturity & grace.

I had a friend tell me,  "well at least you are married & have kids. "

yes this is true. although this was one of the reasons my 20's were hard.

I got married young. I had just turned 20 a week before we got married. I am not against getting married young at all. But for us, we didn't have the tools to know how to build a proper foundation so we painfully fumbled through the first 6 years.  There was a lot of damage done for which we are still trying to grow past.

& yes, having kids was wonderful! despite the other things going on around their births.

I love being a mom. But I am also not your typical  PTA, soccer, baking, apron wearing Betty Crocker type mom. I am just not. My husband does most of the cleaning in our house. Because its who he is.. he's OCD. & it works out because I am not.


I struggle with the fact that I am not that "mom" like. But I have come to accept its who I am.  I love my kids & they love me.  I won't feel guilt about not being what society "tells" I should be.

But this hit me, I will be a 30 year old MOM. No career. No education. Nothing to show of me or who I was created to be. I don't need a full time job or a career but I just feel this intense push to find out where my calling is. Where I come alive.

Because in order to for me to be the best me.. the best mom.. the best wife.. I have to find happiness.  I need to feel alive & myself to share that with my kids. I don't want to get lost in motherhood only to awaken to find all my kids have flown the nest and I am alone in an empty house with no identity other than what hinged on their wings.

A couple weeks ago I felt panicked. & sad. I was scared to to start my 30's feeling like my 20's were "wasted" * (please don't misinterpret this as that I am saying marriage & motherhood was a waste. That is not what I am saying. I wish I had, in the midst of those things prioritized myself & my dreams) And so I was  feeling like maybe it's too late to find & do what I am passionate about. And where to start when I don't even know how to start.

I, for the sake of my sanity. For the sake of my husband. For the sake of my kids. & for myself, i need to make sure that I prioritize my dreams, whatever it is they are.  I deserve to be my best self & my family deserves & needs me at my best.

So although thirty.. sounds old-err.  I get to decide now to strive towards a better me despite my age & the years behind me. Because what counts is tomorrow.

"you have always had the power" - a lesson from Oz

I have, since I was a little girl, loved the Wizard of Oz!  I even have a box of Oz collectibles *nerd alert*!
I was watching Oprah last year and she mentioned how it was also one of her favorite movies and her favorite quote was at the end. When Glenda points to Dorothy's ruby red slippers and says, "you have always had the power!" It was such a powerful moment for me, processing that quote. And it was a circle moment realizing all these years this had been "my" movie. I never really heard that moment. It's amazing how things come to you when you need them.

In a few days will mark 3 years.. 3 years ago I went through something incredibly horrible & difficult. Something heartbreaking and devastating. Something like a war zone.. full of carnage... death of dreams & things stolen in a violent way. I have spent the last 3 years healing and trying to grow out of the ashes. And I am still healing

this quote bothers me:  "Time heals all wounds"... sorry folks,  not entirely true.

Time just changes you but the wounds will always be there.  They are a part of you. It's not something that one can just "get over".  Yes, there is healing & forgiveness but when you are cut that deep, the scars will always be there. Visible and sometimes tender. One can hope that eventually those scars will become stories to offer hope to others also wounded. That although my body maybe scarred, that I walk proud. That I walk in beauty.  Because if I allow those scars to make me ugly that's where the problem would be. But I am choosing to wear them proud. They are piece of me that makes me who I am and will continue to a be part of my story.

And in come those Ruby Red slippers. Gleaming and shinning on my feet.

Sometimes,  there are things that only I see.  It's competitive and all around not nice.  I notice this behavior and it's icky. To be honest.. before it would trigger me and trigger the past and the anger. I would get sucked in and get angry and compete right back. Which goes completely against my nature. I HATE competition.
So, again.. this person will start this "game" it feels frustrating, irritating and painful... and again, I feel like.. really, am I the only one that sees this??? And then... I felt God speaking to me last night,


"You are not the only one who sees what is going on. I see it too. But you need to look down at your feet and remember YOU have the power to rise above it. You have the power to click your heels and go home where it's safe.  I will take care of this and I will take care of you"

I have the power. The power to rise above any situation.

{My OZ board on Pinterest}

Box & circles

Oh man. Here I am. A mess of my own doing. Ever get so worked up in your own brain it's hard to get out? I was kind of on the edge of feeling like I didn't really belong.

 And then in to these panicked feelings I succumbed. This is where my mind was.. There are groups.. Circles.. Of people who associate. I always seem to be inbetween. I don't really fit in with the mom's circle, mainly because motherhood isn't my whole world, it's just a part of me. Or the "artists" circles.. because, well don't really wanna be there but only part time. And the singles, whom both my best friends are but don't & can't fully relate there. There's so many other circles it's disorientating. And somedays. I wallow in my own crap and I feel left out and alone.

 Because I teeter on the edge. Mostly because I can't commit because I am a bit ADD. Then there is the past. And things/persons trigger it. And usually this intermingles with my already fragile ego. And then you have, wallowing.

 Sad. Lame. My analogy for myself is a glass box. I tend to stay in one. I can see the worldand interact to an extent but I am protected. I can't get hurt. And in my brain.. this works. Only it's silly, to live in a box. Because sometimes it gets cloudy and I miss out on what's outside. But I think, "I'm safe" so that's what matters. So, I have written this sad rambling down. So it's out there and not within me. Ok, none of this makes sense. All I know is... I need take astep outside of my box. Maybe it will be scary trying to find my way in the midst of circles but then I won't be in a box either... and that is good.

2012

Ahh.. holidays have flown by. The last lingering Christmas things are still up. Only to be put away until next year.

And.. the best. A new year. For me 2011 flew by. It was such a year of "grit your teeth and bear it" because what's around the corner will be worth the sacrifice.  

I don't Journal but I added this to my christmas wish list and my mom bought it for me. 

A five year journal. & on each day a simple question is asked. It will be a great way to be able to look back on myself and where I was over the years. 

The first question was "what is your mission?"

 my response was, 

"To be more aware of life around me. To discover not only who I am but who I am called to be."

This the year where I start this journey. I will be THIRTY in March and so ready to be rid of the "weight" of my 20's.  

Here's to the beginning of discovery.

well, I am here..

ah ok. Lots of thoughts in my head. I have arrived. In Florida. The Keys. It's absolute paradises. And I get to live here!?!? whhaaa'? My husband & I are back togetha, foreva' <--- nerd alert. Ok, mini note. This the first time we have ever NOT lived in an apartment, town home, dorm or our last lovely locale if my mother in laws home. We are in a house overlooking a canal. Surrounded by a tropical yard. Yep. Crazy. It's a large 2 bedroom (only downsize, as all 3 kids are in one room) but that's about it. Near an amazing school. Our first house.. yes, it's a rental but it's still a big deal. Ok, so that is a big deal. Second note. First time in um, 8 years that my husband has a job that he ISNT't working on the weekend. An entire weekend off, together? Crazy. Oh and he's home by 4-4:30 ish. What is this strange life? You see we went from Ministry (always working Sundays), to working at a boarding school, also weekends. To working full time, plus school which meant work on the weekend had to happen in order for us to survive. So yet again, I say, kind of a big deal. The first few days here, every time I looked out the window I felt like crying.. happy crying. We've been through shit the last few years. And for once I feel like I am living a normal life. And normal, is good. Because its a beautiful normal.

how I wrongly labeled myself.

I had a great aha moment.

Although I have labeled this blog and my email address and many other sites as "lovely artista"

My calling is not "Artist"

I love art. LOVE it.  I am creative and sometimes crafty. But if it were to become me.. it would destroy my heart.  Finally I realized that being creative is an aspect to me but it isn't me.

My calling is not here... it is out there and I am opening myself up to now be available to it.  It's the most freeing thing as because for so long I thought well.. since I love creativity.. I guess I have to be an artist? I guess this is what I am supposed to do? Maybe one day.. I will use a camera for my hobby. Which is the only thing that has every deeply called me is a camera. Pictures. What I know though is that it's not my calling.

And how exciting.. to be on the verge of finding what I am called to. What my place in this universe is.

I am open.

I am abandoning what I once thought I was. Stepping out of that box and begining a new journey.

growing

I figured I would write this from my phone. I am rarely on my computer due to back problems which means little time to share.

Something is happening within me. I feel finally that my soul is ready to awaken. It has been a long road but I feel like I am finally reaching some peace. I am a huge fan of inner healing, counseling, life coaches ect. For me, I have needed to hear and learn from these types of avenues.  A little quick background.

I was born and raised as a pastors kid & on top of that a missionary kid. I was born in Mexico. Moved to Switzerland & Spain when I was 5 and returned to Mexico when I was 8. We were part of a very charismatic church. So I have always been aware of the holy spirit. I left Mexico at 16 to go to boarding school. It was my choice. 


Since I was little I have always had a keen ear to hear what the spirit was saying to me. Listening to my inner voice.  Being a pastors kid, your relationship with God is very much on display.  For most of my life I was very  open about it. Over the years that has changed.

But now I regard my personal relationship with God as just that, personal. It's sacred to me. Others would call me a "Luke warm" Christian.  I rarely post scriptures on my Facebook page or share the gospel. I think those that do are awesome. Maybe that's their calling. For so long I felt ashamed that I am not an open "live out loud" Christian. And i am sure many people harshly disagree with that. But I have also felt and am learning that it's OK. It's not my calling. I don't need to feel guilt about that. I know my relationship with God and it's personal, sacred, deep, moving and beautiful and I know i am in his pocket.

I was watching lifeclass and Oprah was talking about the energy we bring into a room. And how we all have a light and some people's light shines brighter. It really shook me. For my early twenties I carried this "nobody likes me" mentality. I took people's comments about the camera I used as their saying because I used that brand my pictures were worthless . I felt there were cliques & women hated me. Oh yeah I carried a crap load of negative energy. Which has made me realize, I brought all that energy into the room. Why would people want to hang out with that? I was self conscience and afraid. My light wasn't bright.

Which brings me back to.  I have many non Christian friends. I feel strongly I am NOT called to preach at them. But rather have true authentic relationship with them.  Being myself. I believe that as I grow into who I am and who I am called to be. Growing in my personal relationship with God. Allowing my light to grow and the energy I bring into the room to be brighter. I believe that this is one of the ways I am too share my light. Without judging or criticism, just simply allowing my light to overflow and reach the darkened hearts and weary hearts.

This is my rambling for today. Pretty much just beginning to vocalize who I am and loving it. Loving that I am me and that what I bring to the table isn't wrong it's just different and God wants to use me. For who I am.