living AWARE.

It's been 2 weeks since my husband has been in Florida working. It's been long. I feel exhausted. 


A few highlights.. totally knocked out my side mirror in our new van. Spent 2 1/2 hrs at the dealership waiting for it to be fixed, alone.. with all three kids. Wanted to do something fun with them, as we had come to a bigger city to do so. But, by the end of it they had lunch in Target and went to World Market for some treats and called it a day.  haha. oh yeah. 


Pretty much, the space I have been in. A zombie. And then Oprah's life class started. Don't hate. I love Oprah.  I think she speaks a lot of wisdom. I can take it and then apply my relationship with Jesus and seriously, it has helped me grow so much. 


Here are some thoughts on it all:


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I pretty much cried through the whole first episode and thought I would share my notes from it and my thoughts. First some vulnerable thoughts on the space I am in before I enter "life class notes".


I struggle a lot with identity and I am a very much a non competitive person. So when I feel competition whether in photography, being a wife, mom, artist whatever... I bow out of the race. I essentially give up. I would rather not participate in a race. It doesn't make it fun for me. Other people operate in that competition mode and thrive and whatever.  So essentially the last several years due to some circumstances I have given up on myself.  




The competition of it all has stripped me of the desire. 




So I lead into my notes and what I have learned from lesson one:


Lifeclass 10/10/11

connect to your true self.

"Operating out of ego means that your operating out of fear. Operating out of fear means your always going to be scared and running for your life instead of being in alignment with your life."


This concept brought me to tears. I have been running from my dreams. From my life. Instead of aligning with what God has in store for me. I just simply have been to scared to dream. The feeling that it will be taken from me, it haunts me. So I would rather keep those dreams sacred. Because I am afraid if I put myself out there it will be competed against and stolen.. or downgraded because of other's opinions. And what I realized is that all these rambled thoughts are my ego, my flesh. Not my true self.  Being in alignment with myself... my TRUE self is my new journey. Not trying to find an art or running from the creative but stopping and finding me.




"Remaining conscience and connected to that peace. The piece of yourself, that knows you are NOT the thoughts in your head. You are NOT identifying with thoughts or things that surround you."


& more tears.  I need to connect with that peace. And the me inside that knows.. "YOU ARE NOT the thoughts" and I need to say, No, I will not align with you. & surrounding myself with people who will cheer me on.  But more importantly the challenge is on me to reside and I mean bury in deep to that that piece/peace of me.

"That you are aware and live in the space of awareness and are connected to it in such a way that you move from the space of peace" 


My best friend and I were just talking about being aware. We were saying how approaching our big 3O we wanted to begin to live our life more aware. And not let life just slip by us, whether with work, kids, depression. Whatever. We need to live in awareness and CONNECT to life! And to the holy spirit! We hate superficiality and never have been superficial but now it's time to apply our depth to our awareness.

"The ego is a dissociation from your true sense of self worth.
The ego is a false sense of self. "


For me, ego also means "our flesh". The stuff that comes out when we are not align with the us that God created us to be. And with finding and being aware of who we are, We become more in tune with the real us. Then we are able to allow his spirit to move through us in such a beautiful and authentic way.


There were a few ladies on the show that their stories. Here is a highlight of the first:"It isn't possible that people can hurt me. They are just giving me their observations. I'm giving it meaning. I get to choose what that meaning is."


Um. HELLO! Seriously. All those thoughts about what people think about me or people's actions or whether or not I was deleted on facebook. I mean. Really. Wake up, Erin! Or Those friends that have "hurt" me through their competition and ignoring my "art".  I, ME, MYSELF allowed their words and actions to have meaning.  I did that.  There is another person that has had a lot of control over my life over the last few years and I was the one that gave, what she did to me, meaning. Therefore giving her more power.  

"Lady 2 - because I'm wanted to be here. Because I am alive I am loved. That my internal worth was set for me the day I was born. That I don't have to seek worth out in the world & I am enough."


Quite simply, I am enough.


Lusting after approval & appreciation. & resentful that you aren't getting anything in return. Then it is not unconditional Love. You have added conditions to your love by expecting certain things back.


Hello. So many of us do this. Myself included. Oh, I will just be a mom and stay at home and blah blah blah. Seriously? Hello resentment. WE have the choice, that in the midst of life to "FIND THE PEACE" to align ourselves with truth and to be AWARE.  OK, so today.. maybe I am not leaving the house and mundane chores is all I do. Wah wah wah. Let me wallow some more. OR I can stop. Breathe. Align and see the beauty that is. Turn on some frickin' music and dance and sing in the kitchen with my 3yr old. Yeah life can be stressful but I am tired of being resentful. Because I am the one giving into the fear. Bottom line. I am the one stopping me. Pathetic, really.  I don't need to mope and be passive aggressive. I need to BE aggressive for my dreams. I want to LOVE with out demanding anything back. My dreams are MY responsibility. Amen. 


OK, that felt good to say.


"It's never to late to discover the truth of who we are.

You alone are enough.

No thing ever matters in terms of defining who you are.

What's holding me back?"

And bottom line.. it's fear. 


And living in an aware state and aligning with lies. Enough of that. Part of this new chapter is aligning with peace and the piece of me that is aligned with the Peace of God.